Letters to Domai
I have been a regular visiter to Domai for a few years now, though I have yet to purchase a subscription. It is not for lack of desire, of that I can assure you. I am more grateful for that site than I may be able to express in words. You see, the moment I discovered it converged with the moment my healing began.
Let me start from the beginning. I am currently 18. I was raised in a conservative religious household. I came to believe that sexuality and any form of sensuous expression was corrupt in the darkest of ways. Oh, violence wasn't so bad; I saw images on the television so brutal that it's amazing I felt anything when someone near me suffered. It was forbidden to gaze upon the beauty that is a naked woman but I was free to expose myself to as much brutality as my heart desired. A pity that's something it never really wanted.
My parents weren't the most consistent in their methods. Namely, I saw them naked on an almost daily basis. It was nothing perverse, just the human form in its natural state. Granted, the way our house was set up there really wasn't another option. Our rooms were together, my door led to the right side of their bedroom. To get to the bathroom, to get anywhere outside of my dwelling place required me to walk past the foot of their bed at the very least.
I remember my mother said numerous times that it wasn't how things should have been. She said she was afraid that she had scarred me, that a boy my age shouldn't have known what the female form looked like. To put it plainly, I received numerous mixed messages and at no point did I pin down just what it was I was supposed to think.
Fast forward to puberty. I was a time bomb waiting to go off, and I did in a major way. Within, at least. It was also around that age that I honed my acting skills. I had to if I wanted to maintain an appearance of normalcy, according to the standard others held. I felt so ashamed simply to gaze upon a woman in admirition... You can imagine how I felt when I took in all the disgusting sexual acts as they were performed on various porn sites. If I needed to re-inforce the notion that there was something inherently dark in our sexual nature that would have been it. Tasteless and crass, it never ceased to amaze me, the lengths that people would go to just to squelch their desires. But what scared me was the lengths I would go to in order to satiate my lust.
I never really developed any friendships with women. It was just too much. And what if I couldn't restrain myself? I sure as hell didn't want that to happen. I do mean that mildly, though: what I would have defined as not restraining myself was pretty harmless all-in-all, but it would've branded me as a pervert for certain. At least I think. It's hard to recall memories of a time that seems so long ago. To see the same events in a different light is more difficult than it should be when certain negative emotions were such a big part of the experience.
Thankfully, in time, I began to slowly wake up. I learned that having my own opinion and forming my own thoughts wasn't a crime after all. Didn't mean I felt like it wasn't, but it was a start. One of the places I began was my sexuality. I strove to reach a point where I would no longer gaze upon myself naked in the mirror with shame, where I could acknowledge a girl's beauty without my thoughts going to town. If they did, I wanted to skip the night-long self torture. Really, it was like I was putting on a show for an empty theater. Not that an audience would've made things better, I just over-dramatized... Well, everything in my life at that point. Oddly enough, I think it's one of the things that kept me sane.
Domai has served as a supplement; a powerful, supportive voice that says the kind of sexual attitude I wished to develop isn't such a bad thing. I no longer need that sort of help, but back when I did it was an inspiration. It still is, but in a different way. I see in the body of a female both wonderful and terrible things, awe-inspiring things that can validate a man's entire existence or change the very way he perceives life. It is one of my muses. In the night when ideas refuse to flow, I need only gaze into the eyes of a Domai woman for a mere second, and then create.
I would like to share one of those works. One of the inspirations was a picture of Dascha. In the photograph she laid there upon the stone, her hands on her stomach, with the brightest smile on her face as she gazed up at the camera. I stared into her eyes and there was my muse.
Sadly, I have yet to experience what is known as a Domai moment, but I hope my time is coming soon. Until then, and long after, I will continue to admire the women of Domai. Surely there is not enough grace and beauty on this earth. Perhaps that will change in due time. One can only dream...