Letters to Domai
I think it's important to let "T.V.", and everyone else in his position, knows what he's working for. I am also a poor university student, and I also came to DOMAI from a similar path. And like T.V., I came to DOMAI looking to get off. But unlike T.V., I didn't grow up with a religious background. Perhaps because of this (or maybe it has nothing to do with it) I don't really have as "well developed" a sense of self shame/guilt. I can imagine what that must sound like to someone who has that sense of self-scolding, but it's not as bad as it sounds. The reason I mention it is because when I came to DOMAI to get off, I didn't feel guilty about using the innocence of the girls for my own pleasure. What I was doing felt good, and therefore, there could be nothing wrong with it. Everyone else's description about the non-sexual pleasures of taking in female beauty sounded like unrealistic crap to me. But hey, free T and A. Who can complain?
But all that changed. The change was not encouraged by guilt or shame, but because all that unrealistic crap wasn't so unrealistic after all. When I realized this, I changed (relatively quickly, too).
This is how it happened to me:
While masturbating to DOMAI images, my mind began to wander. Just a little at first, but later, it took real effort to concentrate on DOMAI images in order to get off. Instead of fantasizing about the beautiful naked women on the site, I started fantasizing about the beautiful girls I saw around whom I had never seen naked. These DOMAI girls just didn't work anymore. Damn, was something wrong with me? I've got all these nipples staring me in the face and I can barely spring wood for five minutes, but put a close-knit sweater over those breasts and I'm good to go.
That's when it clicked! That's when I realized that it's not what one can see that is so alluring, it's what one can't see that one fantasizes about. These girls on DOMAI were beautiful and naked, sure. But they weren't doing anything sexual. They didn't have suggestive facial expressions and they weren't put in suggestive poses. They were simply themselves, but with no clothing. After that, I gradually began to see the truth in the others' descriptions of non-sexual nudity. I guess the old-timers were right (don't you hate it when that happens? ;).
So where am I now? Well all that happened about three years ago or so. I bought a membership to DOMAI and I'm on the fourth renewall. I still cruise the net to get off every now and then, but I never end up at DOMAI for that purpose. In fact, I usually start my day with DOMAI.
So in conclusion, don't sweat your situation. You're doing what society has programmed you to do (be aroused by titillation and a hint of sexual behavior). It's going to take some time to re-program yourself. But it will happen. If you can find a way to drop the guilt, do it. I believe you will have a quicker and smoother transition. If you can't, then don't sweat that either. It will happen in time.
Good luck. - JT
Most of us have been in the cheap and somewhat sordid search for quick self gratification (feel guilty about it if you must - I used to). But to be sidetracked from that intent and be, instead, captured and surprised by an encounter with true beauty is in my mind nothing less than redemptive. It reminds me of C.S. Lewis's little classic 'Surprised by Joy' Once again I am thankful that a place such as DOMAI exists.
Sam from Canada
After reading the letter from "T.V." on Friday 13 April 2007, I sat and thought for a little while about what his concerns are, and their possible causes. I think I know what causes the concerns he has.
For over a thousand years, and much more so in the last 300 years than before then, a large portion of those in authority has worked hard at controlling the general population by manipulating how they see the world, their desires, and their own selves. This has resulted in some aspects of modern society having some skewed perspectives, and it isn't until an individual breaks away fromw those distorted images and understandings of the world and relationships, that they have a chance to truly understand and appreciate the world. The worst distortions relate to the way various authority groups and figures link key aspects of the human psyche and the human condition.
Much of what we call western civilisation teaches us to link nudity with lust and desire, also to link sex with wrong doing. Because of this, they define nudity as wrong, and work at making people feel guilt about nudity, lust, desire, and sex. Yet the truth is much different, lust, desire, sex, nudity are all part of being human, they are essential core aspects of the human condition, and over 90% of what's wrong with the world today comes from the misdirected efforts and energies of these warped aspects.
Nudity, beauty, lust, desire, and sex aren't automatically linked, they're separate aspects of life and humanity. Luckily for us, sometimes they do trigger responses in people, and does sometimes have a serendipitous link. To use an example. Morning sun and waterfalls aren't always linked and they aren't always pretty to look at. But sometime, by an act of serendipity (or an act of God), the sun will strike the water in such a way as to make the whole waterfall and morning very beautiful.
The fact we can find beauty in nature tells us beauty is a natural thing and it's good. When we find beauty in a person, then it's a good part of nature. It's easier to find beauty in a nude person than a clothed person as the clothes distract from the person and draw the eye away to the clothes so we end up admiring beautiful clothes and not beautiful people.
No one knows exactly what it is about a particular person that triggers a sexual response, so it's possible to look at a person nude as a beautiful person one day, and to be sexual stimulated by seeing that same person nude, or clothed, on another day. Anyone who can find the exact trigger, and define it in a universal manner, will become a billionaire over night, as the perfume companies will pay them for the information.
Desire and lust are natures reflexive action to those sexual triggers. They're usually triggered as a response to wish to mate and breed with the person, so as to create a better child, based on your individual wishes of what is better. Today, many parts of society say certain parts of the body cause lust, but that's because they've trained people to look at things that way. Lose or change that training, and things will be different.
Today many people admire a woman's naked breasts in a sexual way, and get a particular reaction from doing so; this is a trained response. About a century ago, most men got the same reaction from seeing a bare ankle or calf of the leg.
I think "T.V." is just mixed up as he's in the process of changing his attitudes and responses from one set to another, and they're interacting in a manner he doesn't really understand, as he does understand the process of what's happening.
Beauty and lust are not automatically linked.
Many years ago, I saw a photo of what I think was the most senuous looking female I've ever seen. The young woman was somewhere in her late teens to early twenties, the photo was taken from an angle about 45 degrees behind the left shoulder, she was nude with very long hair that reached to the middle of her thighs. She was standing with her hands up to her face, fingers on the right side of her her chin, looking over her left shoulder at the camera, with a a shy, not quite a coy, grin on her face. With the hair falling down her back, you couldn't see any skin, just the curve of her behind defined by the way the hair lay upon it, You could see the side curve of her left breast before it met her left arm resting on it, as it went to her face. Her left leg was partway forward in mid step. She had the most startling eyes, and lovely hair. The eyes and smile sparkled. She was truly beautiful.
I saw that photo in an article about entries to a photographic competition over 30 years ago, but the beauty of that girl was frozen in time in the photo, and is locked in my memory. At that time, I could go down to the beach and see much more skin on display on any girl there, than was shown in the photo. To me, that photo truly emphasises the difference between the sexual aspect of nudity as taught by society and the beauty of the person. The girl was very beautiful, and very sensuous, but there was nothing sexual in the pose or the photo, if anything, it left me with a desire to make her smile again.
"T.V." is at the point of appreciating the beauty of such a photo and others like it, but his societal training until know has been to see such images in a lustful way. Thus, he has conflicts within himself about this. Hopefully, he'll soon work them out. Lust, like beauty, is truly in the eye of the beholder.
I feel compelled to write in response to the concerns of "T.V." about what appears on Domai and his concern about masturbation. My friend, please realize that both are totally based upon fantasy. There is not a female in the world that could or should equal the perfection you imagine in your masturbation fantasies. The women who exist there are yours and yours alone. They will never be shared with any part of reality.
With that in mind I see no problem with fantasizing about the women seen on Domai. Of course they are put there so that we may enjoy the female form. I've enjoyed it for many years which have included becoming a photographer of nudes. I've photographed many young women who seem to be perfection personified. Then I discover their personalities and they begin to depart from the realm of fantasy into reality. I am sad to say that I have never found one that has met my expectations. I have questioned myself about how high I was setting my standards and tried for a time to lower them. It didn't work.
So. I've had to settle for as close as I could come in spending my life with a woman who is as near to what I desire as she can be. We both realize the limitations of fantasy vs. reality and accept them. We have incorporated the fantasies into our intimate lives very successfully. I could not begin to tell you how many times I've met Natalie through my wife and had very pleasant intimate interaction with her.
The one aspect of this that we are very aware of and keep constant vigilance for is if/when the fantasy replaces reality. It has never happened and I don't think it will because of the very open, accepting and understanding communication the two of us have. I have asked her if there are fantasies she would like to explore and discovered a world I did not know existed. I am grateful to her for that.
Good luck with your struggle. Mine has been painful at times but more pleasant than not. I feel good about the women I see on Domai where their natural beauty is celebrated. A very successful site for all.
I would like to thank all of Domai for their efforts and time. I do hope you continue into the next millenium for my children's children to view your efforts.
R W S